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[21 Jul 2005|04:08am] |
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i may be thinking with the wrong head, but that's because god only gave me enough blood to use one at a time
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| tip the fucking scales |
[19 Jul 2005|06:14pm] |
Are we so alone,
So distant,
So forgotten,
As we think ourselves to be?
These are our lives
But did they ever even matter?
Are we worth remembering?
These machines feed on the tears of broken lives and dying dreams
We’re throwing wrenches in the gears
Our lives will not be lived in vain
When this is all said and done
We spent this life on the run
Judged by the company we keep
Electro-dance-punk show goes on as planned in a few hours. I have had an unbelievably bad few days (will post soon regarding the warped tour and subsequent events), but it doesn't matter. We're going to electro-rock the goddamn bar, then get falling-down drunk (for free).
i feel incredibly destructive.
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[17 Jul 2005|12:27am] |
we all sold our warped tour tickets this week while i was in castle rock, cause the lineup sucks. then i was hanging out with adam's friends, jess & bonne (pronounced bo[long o]-na[long a]), and bonne's bitching about the shitty photog she's got for warped tour tomorrow, for her Avenged Sevenfold interview for Revolver magazine. i told her if she wanted, i could do it. now it's on. i'm going to warped tour again, getting paid for it, going to the afterparty, apprently, and it's fuckin' on. awesome.
then adam got bored, while bonne and jess went to look for drugs, so he decided we should start taking IQ tests (after we started drinking heavily). this is him working on the super-mega-ultra IQ test at www.highiqsociety.org.
entertaining for long enough. i reccommend everyone go to the website and try to take the super-genius test, for the top 1%. neither of us knew a single answer.
not that the results of the rest of our tests were anything to be ashamed of.
; )
since then, we've gotten much more drunk. thinking about heather made me remember how just lonely i am, which is the point of all the drinking, to forget.
"while my mother water plants, my father loads his gun,
he says 'death will give us back to god,
just like the setting sun
has returned to the lonely ocean' "
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[15 Jul 2005|08:37pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
] |
cool week. not sure exactly what order everything went in, though.
monday night: got drunk at brian & rachel's place, then went walking through town drunkenly with chris & his guitar player. we visited anthony & his girlie sam, the night manager at wendy's, at her work. had to hide our 40's behind our backs when cops drove by on the main street through town, got free wendys, threw the bottles onto I-25 on the way back to the house. scary fuckin' drive home after the party: i was pretty sober by that point, but completely exhausted, so not as sober as i thought. first time i've driven with a buzz, ready to fall asleep. not fun.
tuesday night: junk poker. 12-15 of us gathered a lot of our crap that we didn't want/use, and gambled it away at poker. a completely ridiculous time: lots of crap, but some cool stuff too. and everyone decided to talk like pirates. i got a typewriter, a skateboard, the last few shots of a bottle of Grand Marnier, a cookbook, a cool wool scarf, and a camping pack, among other things. then we walked to the park looking for anthony, who had been the only one drinking. he was drinking bacardi by the glass and wandered off with a few of the guys. we wound up carrying him home and later putting his naked (but blanket-wrapped) ass into bed. met heather.
wednesday night: watched chris's band practice at brian & rachel's and promised to play bass for them if i get a job in town, then got drunk and & crashed at his pad.
thursday day: the News-Press, the paper in town, calls me to come in for an interview. went in at 2:30 and talked to the managing editor for an hour. great interview. he gave me an actual application and started talking about compensation, which you don't usually do unless you're going to hire someone. he still has to call my references, said he's call early next week, but i think i got the job.
thursday night: in preemptive celebration of the job, i bought a handle of rum before we saw Wonka at midnight. big group of us, chris and i got trashed in heather's friend's car on the way to the movie, which was excellent. then drinking in the car on the way to Waffle House, where the big group of us was acting stupid, so the four of us and mike went back to chris's casa, watched a movie. i got much more drunk and hooked up with heather.
woke up this morning at chris's (after going to bed at 6:30, he had to work at 7, so he just stayed up). went to the house and slept more, dropped off my formal application to the news-press, went to the coffee shop and bookstore with chris & mike, then got fantastic sushi with them and heather at Mt. Fuji, went home, packed and came back to Pueblo. i left my phone charger in castle rock. hopefully the newspaper will call me back for a job, and i'll have to go up anyway next week.
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[14 Jul 2005|01:35pm] |
happy late birthday lauren brusha.
hope everything is well, even if we're all so old and responsible now. or at least pretending.
gotta go get ready for an interview at the Douglas County News-Press.
love you.
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[11 Jul 2005|07:16pm] |
in castle rock for the week.
for a good time, call.
yes, i'm talking to you.
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| fuck this |
[08 Jul 2005|01:42pm] |
i went in to work today at 11:30, two days after starting at Kuan's Kitchen. by 11:50, i was jobless again. apparently, without mentioning it or asking if i had a car, i was hired to do delivery. this was after i told the owner that i had a 20-minute walk to get there.
fantastic.
adam, kim and i went over to see nick drummer, super-addict and former tweaker, at his place last night. the four of us hung out and grilled and got drunk. then nick and i have a bowl, and i load us a bowl of salvia. by the time the bowl had gone me-nick-nick's girlfriend-me, he was hysterical. he took another hit and started raving, "i can see the guy, man, the guy. the guy who makes the stuff, man, i can see him. the stuff, he makes the stuff, the guy, i can see him!!" it was intense. while i, ever the fucking drunken empath, was sitting there trying to understand (cause salvia's never gotten on top of me that intensely, though it is a hallucinogen), adam and kim either got freaked out at nick's trip or got irritated at his ranting. either way, we left a few minutes later.
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[06 Jul 2005|10:19pm] |
i downloaded Rancid's album "...And Out Come the Wolves" tonight. It's been one of my favorite albums for a long time, an absolute staple, but it disappeared a while ago, maybe last summer when i left the house. i'm finally listening to it again, right now, and it's so wonderful to hear again, like a best friend i've been missing. just thinking about all the great times i had blasting Roots Radicals at 100 mph in my Prelude. screaming Avenues & Alleyways at pedestrians and other motorists with Anthony in his car. playing She's Automatic - "the way that she moved, well i was aroused" - with my religious friends in the car. trying to figure out what the hell that part in the middle of Junkie Man is all about. weird.
It's not really the associated memories that make me so happy, the whole cd is just such a raw, uplifting punk anthem. One of the most energetic and powerful albums i know. welcome home, Wolves.
and alisha ... jesus god.
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| not sure what i'm trying to say here |
[05 Jul 2005|10:50am] |
i left a kegger last night on the other side of town, around 10, and walked 3 hours to a spicy chicken sandwich and fries and then to home.
it took that long drunk walk home to realize i'm suffering from depression because (probably) of how idle i am. i had people warn me before graduation about how they became physically ill when everything abruptly stopped at graduation: all the stress, studying, classes, workstudy, clubs & sports, etc. the sudden lack of stresses actually affected their physiology, and they got very sick.
i didn't realize what a toll this has taken on my psychologically. i usually had classes that i was interested in, work that was easy and enjoyable or the newspaper which i love doing, for a good 80-ish hours a week. sometimes more. i almost never had to work hard at something i didn't want to do. i knew everyone, was everywhere and did everything. i knew the whole time that i was living the dream. life was very full and very fulfilling, and now it's all gone.
and i am depressed. which bothers me a bit, because i've learned to pretend to be very happy and very upbeat. because i thought i was better at responding to change than this. which i guess is why this isn't whining, because i'm more disappointed in myself than anyone else would dare to be. i have this pervasive sense of failure. i always have, that's why i have a relatively impressive resume, because i was always running from this pervasive feeling that, deep down, i'm a failure. and now i can't run anymore because i have nothing to do in my field except look for jobs and wait, and feel like i've failed.
so i've become something of a shut-in, which is really something i've wanted for a long time, just to be left alone. most of my friends are gone or ignored. i'll come out every night to find someone to drink with. someone to forget with. i keep blowing off this adorable, obnoxious riot-grrl, lacey, who has no idea what she's trying to get into here. i've mostly given up on relationships in general, friends and girlfriends. i don't deal well with shallow, and virtually all of the relationships i've had haven't been worth the effort, haven't been worth any effort. i've resigned myself, at least for the near future, to a very lonely life, punctuated frequently by drunkenness with the 2 or 3 people that i like/respect.
that's why i'm so talkative on lj, in case anyone was wondering. there's no one to talk to, at least no one i want to talk to. this is purgative - maybe the whole summer is, i dunno. i'm a very open person, i don't really care who knows what about me. i don't do secrets. all my lj entries have been public, except one, actually, where i think i was developing a thought that i would up posting later. i think that's the only way i've been able to maintain this pseudo-aloneness, because i'm still communicating, potentially, to people i respect and to an anonymous audience. potentially. it doesn't really matter to me whether anyone does read it, it's the potential for communication that makes this straw man work for me. one of my biggest fears has always been being alone, because an even bigger fear is of not being understood.
actually i think i'll end this here, and pick it up later, maybe. all i wanted to say was that i'm depressed, but i wasn't sure where exactly that line of thought would go.
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[02 Jul 2005|08:41pm] |
ok, backstory to open: i'm a legally-ordained minister. and i'm drunk right now, but i usually am.
i wed my roommate and his girlfriend last night. we were all very drunk, but it's still legal.
it's 8:45 here, and i've been drinking cheap rum since 4, right after i got off the phone with my parents. they and adam, the married one, are just beginning to guess, to a very limited extent, how unhappy with my life i am. adam knows that's the reason i've been "self-medicating" so often and so heavily. i got a part-time job at kuan's kitchen, a little chinese restaurant, and had my first interview at target yesterday.
it was really hard, when the 20-year-old HR guy at target asked why i would be good to work there as a cashier, to not tell him that i could probably do his job at least as well as he could. it was a very embittering experience.
i have have a B.A. in two fields, and a minor in english, and i'm hoping to god that i get a second interview to work as a cashier or stockman. i really hate where i am in life right now. dep down, i'm an overachiever, i think, and i hate where my life is right now: freeloading at a friend's apartment on campus, where i used to live as a student, no real job. i graduated, and i'm suposed to be finished and out of here. instead, i'm finished and still here: jobless, unhappy, hanging out with idiots mostly, bitter, drunk hopefully, wishing for a job and a place to go.
i know, with no degree of uncertainty, that i'm more than qualified to work the jobs that i'm applying for, jobs at podunck newspapers in backwater midwest hick towns. jobs i've been applying for for more than 5 months.
it's not a matter of self-esteem; i'm just finished with this, and i need to go do the work that i want to. i've worked full-time at a newspaper, much, much, much bigger than any of the ones i'm applying for, and it's what i want to do.
i miss shooting. last time i was in denver, i shot a concert of some friends who are joining the warped tour in july, under the guise/hope that i would be able to get something into the local alternative newsweekly. i knew i wouldn't sell the piece, they were already covering it. i just wanted to take pictures, and pretend i had something to do.
i need more rum/escapism. and maybe vicoden. i really hate my life right now.
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[01 Jul 2005|04:03pm] |
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mood |
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scared of wyoming |
] |
another job just opened up in Thermopolis, Wyoming, a booming town of over 3,200.
hooray wyoming.
ooohhhh man.
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| 4 a.m. boring |
[30 Jun 2005|03:55am] |
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i've finally fixed my AIM. now i'll have one more thing to do with my time.
my sleep schedule is completely screwed. for a while it just got a little off-kilter, as i was going to bed between 4 and 6 a.m., which slowly became 9 and 10 a.m. but i was getting at least 8 hours of sleep. somehow i screwed even that up, and i can barely sleep at all; i'll become completely exhausted around 4 a.m., sleep 2 or 3 hours, then wake up. then do the same thing around 4 p.m.
the job in montrose that i interviewed for fell through. i'd talked to the editor a few times after the interview, and it was mine, it was a lock, but someone inside the company at a different newspaper became free at the last minute, so they hired him.
two jobs in wyoming just opened up last week, in Laramie and in Gillette. I've got a good shot at both of them.
Wyoming. jesus. God hates me, i know it.
on the upside, i've had lots of time to spend working on my formerly-sad sad sad indie selection, something i've desperately wanted to do for a long time. finally checked off a lot of those must-have cds on my list.
Most Exciting:
Metric- Old World Underground, Where Are You Now?
The Mountain Goats- Tallahassee
The Decemberists- Picaresque
Elliott Smith- XO
Le Tigre- Le Tigre
Cursive- The Ugly Organ
Neutral Milk Hotel- In the Airplane Over the Sea
Not to mention The Weakerthans, Bloc Party, The Beta Band, The Wrens, The Faint, Cat Power, Dntel ... you get the idea.
and the new Sleater-Kinney just rocks my face.
cool. later.
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[24 Jun 2005|06:44am] |
fuck it.it's nearly 7 a.m., so i just put my clothes back on and put on a pot of coffee, since jackie's waking me up in a few hours anyway so we can do some work.
i need to drink lots of water, though.
hell, what's one more day awake? no problem, right?
right?!?!
"how many nights and weird mornings like this can the brain handle?" Raoul Duke, Doctor of Journalism.
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| miserere mei deus |
[24 Jun 2005|05:34am] |
let me set the mood: i'm crying, it's 5:45 a.m., i've had a ridiculous night (as always). not good ridiculous. bad ridiculous.
i'm at a low point in my life, because i have nothing to distract me from how alone i feel.there's no newspaper, no classes, no work, no girl to help me pretend.all i have anymore is alcohol and cheap drugs and the idiots that come with them- -which is fine on an occasional basis, but not regularly.certainly not daily.
i'm so lonely. i always have been.
i've never felt understood.
being accepted has never mattered; i'm usually accepted because i'm a decent actor, as most of us are.i don't care if i'm accepted unless it's by people who really understand me.i don't know if i've ever been around those people, because i've never really understood me.
i'm so lonely, and i'm so sad. it's nearly 6 a.m., and i'm not drunk anymore, and i'm sitting here crying, listening to elliott smith's XO.
i've never felt like i've had anywhere or anyone to go to.
for the first time in my life i'm seriously considering a tattoo, the title of my post: "miserere mei Deus."
God have mercy on me.
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[21 Jun 2005|03:41am] |
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mood |
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so sad, and very high/drunk |
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i just put down a rolled-up dollar bill to update; we've been taking lines of vicoden.
both my nostrils burn.
can anybody tell me when this ends?
i hate living like this.
i just want to go home.
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| miserere mei Deus, for my being is gone, but still i'm not dead |
[17 Jun 2005|03:44am] |
i'm not even going to get into the last month of everything: denver, lisa, chris and his high-school girls, adam, christine, salvia, living (squatting) on campus after i've graduated, all of the drinking and substances, foodstamps, doing 140 mph in chris's infiniti. the tour is cancelled, but i think i have to go east anyway, though it's financially impossible. that's just me regressing though; i'm looking for somewhere to belong, and i have nothing here. i'm so lonely, and bored, and restless. and no one can help. i desperately need to move forward, but i have nowhere to go. all it's been for weeks is the rockstar life: up all night, drinking, drugs and girls, sleeping till mid-afternoon, do it again. every day is a ridiculous story. the first week was fun, but this has been going on for nearly two months, and i hate it. i always want to be doing something, be productive, and i have nothing to do now. i feel so decadent.
Miserere, off the latest Cat Empire CD, Two Shoes. buy, it, steal it, download it, i don't care. get it. now.
( Read more... )
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[27 May 2005|02:18am] |
i just split a bottle of goldschlager with probablly the person who's understood me the best, and vice-versa, and spent many hours crying with her. someone i wanted to be with for an incredibly long time, and also vice-versa, but not anymore. then i got adam, who's been wearing dirty clothes for two weeks, laid with this adorable punk girl. and this is probably the last night i actually have a bedroom for the next two months.
fuck.
maybe one day i'll piece together the ridiculousness that has been the last month since graduation and post it, but not tonight. i just felt like checking in, and sharing my bitterness.
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| hitching failure, my tour dates, and some work from covering a show |
[17 May 2005|12:41am] |
so the hitchhiking didn't quite pan out. i walked all the way acroos pueblo, got sunburnt, made the blister on my right foot big enough to hinder walking, and waited for nearly 2 hours before deciding to wait for my feet to both get better. called jackie to come get me and we had sloppers (open-faced hamburgers smothered in green chili) and lots of beer, and a long discussion about which of us is really a bigger slut.
got some packing done, and decided while boxing up my books that i want to follow the road trip steinbeck took in Travels with Charley in Search of America.
I'M GOING ON TOUR WITH OMAR IN AUGUST! he's been recording his solo stuff at home with his drum machine, keyboards guitar and mic, and very rarely some bass from me. he's posted it online, and apperently he's been asked to join a few bands that are going on tour from august 5-20, or about then. so, he needs a backing band. fan-goddamn-tastic. very exciting. more news as it breaks.
( finally decided to post some pics from working the Jimmy Eat World/Taking Back Sunday/Mates of State show. )
I can't believe that was only two weeks ago. I'm losing a lot of my sense of time. too many nights that turn into mornings, too many times getting out of bed long after it's been light out, or even when it's about to not be light. too many days of 24 hours awake and 12 hours asleep. but i prefer the lack of structure. it's just confusing sometimes.
and chelle apparently remembers me, and should add me as a friend so that i can communicate with her.
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[16 May 2005|03:08am] |
god damn this drunkenness,
god willing, i'll be in a sleeping bag in a Santa Fe cemetary this time tomorrow night.
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